Explaining Death to Kids

Whoa, I leave for my annual mental breakdown, and go to clear my inbox, and apparently someone was listening to me, cause *does dance* We just got some letters, we just got some letters, we just got some letters, I wonder who they're from? Ok this first on is from Kathey and she writes:

My Gandmom jus died and shoul i let my 5yo son attend the funnel? How should I explain death to him?

Apparently Kathey was so bereaved that she forgot  the warning my previous post, but that's ok! First off let me take a moment and mourn the death of Kathey's  grandmother. *moment*

Kathey whether or not your son should attend the funeral depends on his maturity level. Most little kids at that age can't grasp the concept of death. It may scare him to see everyone crying around them, or to see his loved one laid out in the coffin. If the funeral is closed casket it may confuse the child even more, because they cannot grasp the concept grandmother is in the box. If you have a graveside service, then you have to be prepared for those questions as well. He will probably be very upset about the fact that you are going to bury her. If you are in fact cremating her make sure you explain in detail that granny is not alive, so that he is not traumatized by the thought that she may be hurt.

Also, and let me make this perfectly clear; I don't care how close you were to her, I don't care how close he was to her. DO NOT force him to go up to the coffin and ESPECIALLY force him to kiss or touch her in any way if he is not comfortable with it. You will cause more harm than good.

If you choose not to let him go to the funeral, make sure to allow him to memorialize her. Help him create a memory book, with drawings about her. Share stories with him. Something as simplistic as having him light a candle is a good way to do it. Regardless, be prepared for nightmares, possibly some regression, he will be clingy, and may even black at going to school. There may also be a difference in his play now, he may stage funerals, he may also play dead. This is a normal way for him to process it so don't discourage it even if it seems morbid.

As far as explaining death to him, first off it will depend on your religious beliefs if you bring any sort of afterlife into it, and for the love of GOD avoid euphemisms. No child in the history of the world has ever been comforted by them. Think about that, if you thought that every time you went to sleep someone was going to shove you in a box and bury you; you'd never sleep! Simple is better at this age, acknowledge his feeling and acknowledge your beliefs. Example: "We are very sad Grandmom left us, and we will miss her greatly  but it helps us to know she is with Jesus."

If you want more advice on this subject mosey on over to baby center their article gives more great advice and even repeats some that I have said. I hope this helps, and I am truly sorry for your loss. Take care.